I wish I could tell You, Lord about how my heart feels today. And then I remember.... I can. It's just
that writing takes a little longer and it's almost feels like....well, when I finally find the right word
to describe how I think I feel, I am onto another "feels like" arena. To anyone else, Lord....this
must make little sense. That's why I insist on taking my thoughts to You. Since You saw me
being created in my Mother's womb, You understand my thought process. I am thankful, Lord.
First for the fact that I am loved. I have not a doubt in the world that You are at the top of the
list. I am blessed beyond any measure I could have asked for. I always want that fact to stay at
the forefront of my mind. I wrote yesterday that my heart is saddened for the pain that friends
of ours are suffering. When people that are of your own generation are plagued with the cancers
of life, within and without, it takes such a toll.....not just on them....but for the cast of characters
that are watching and living through it. I asked yesterday, Lord, that You would grant them the peace You provide in the midst of such a storm. It definately is the "peace that passes
understanding" that we need to have to carry us through such a hard place. Our friends know
Your power.....and are aware of how important the blessings You provide us are. Simply put, we
often do not see blessings until we lose one. The ability to think. The wonderful provision of
eyes that can see the creations of Your hand. To hear the sounds of life, from a tweeting bird
to a hungry child crying.....are all blessings of life. To sleep soundly and wake up refreshed,
ready for a new day.....that is another. To crawl out of the warmness of a comfortable bed, and
walk to the bathroom or the kitchen, also warrants a blessing. To hold a pen to write down my
thoughts to You, is a blessing to me and I find now, a need. Suffering is not a place we would
enter into with an aura of excitement pinging through us. I find that when I have had to enter
this door, it hasn't been one I really want to open. It, first of all, usually scares me. And, often,
I tend to stay close to the door, hoping for a quick exit. On occasion, I've had to walk in and
force myself to keep moving, pretending that, even for a time, I can take it. With that in mind,
it's an "Act-as-If" game for me. If, perhaps, I can "act-as-if" that I can do this, I maintain that
with Your helping me, I can do whatever is laying in wait for me. It's hard to watch those we
see, day in and day out, walk into their door of suffering....and see the effects on their faces. You
know, without even asking a question, that their thought process never encountered this place
before. I am asking, Lord....that I would always be mindful that I may be next in the line of
applicants for this particular event. I have made broad statements in my life that I'd care to
never make again. Why is it, Lord, that people.....(me included) think that they would handle
the areas of angst and suffering in the lives of people, so much better, wiser, on and on to ad
nauseum?
I guess I notice the pangs of suffering especially when the delights of Christmas are everywhere
to the senses of our souls.....and it seems especially sorrowful. Suffering is suffering is suffering.
No matter when. No matter why. No matter to who. I want to always be mindful of the job
You may have for me to do. A word of hope. A touch. Just a look....perhaps without words is
all I can do. Whatever it is, Lord.....help me to remember to do what I would like done to me.
Carefully. Thoughtfully. Lord, my life is in You. My hope is in You. My joy is in You.
And, one more thing, Lord.....as I think about a small amount of suffering I did 32 years ago. I
remember praying the night before, "Lord, if You have no reason for making me wait another
day.....could we do this soon....?" I remember waking up to a great amount pressure and pain.
I thought, "Oh, my.....this is it!" As I went through that day.....I brought forth a newborn son....
and his name was John....and I could not believe that You had allowed me to deliver a son, after
the four beautiful daughters You'd given us. It was a blessing that arises out of short-lived suffering. You
blessed us. I am overwhelmed at the touch of Your kindness to my life. Thank You for the
son that You have allowed us to raise. December 12th, 1978 was a special day for our family.
All I have said to You today....the thoughts that I have put down on paper....disjointed as they
are, are the feelings that swirl in my mind today. Sometimes these have worth and sometimes
they don't.....but, they are my heart thoughts. Take them. Translate them if need be. And, all
in the name of Jesus, I pray.....amen and amen again
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