We were just about at the Funeral home for the service yesterday, Lord.  You heard me.  You probably cupped Your ear.....and murmured , "Say that again, dear! I don't think I heard you right!"  Lord, some times I am not sure I ever learn anything.  I ask over and over for You to push me, break me, mold me, use me........don't I?   Yes....I think I do.  Now.....whether I truly really mean....."Push me?".......or "Break me"?....."Mold me?"......"Use me?".....I'm not even sure.  I thought I did, when I said it.  Am I hearing You say....."Really?"  When I said to my husband ......out loud......I really need  for you to pray for me.  I know my attitude about this issue is wrong. It turns out to be  one of those things that you don't need to ask a few people you trust to listen to your "side" and get their verbal "pat-on-the-back" to make you feel better.  I found myself adjusting the weight of it on my shoulders constantly to make me feel
better.  Every time You would bring it to the forefront of my mind.....that is what I would do.  I really don't need my husband to help me pray about it.  I know what to do.  I just have to let go of the tenacity of it.  It grabs me.  It irks me.  It gnaws at my spirit.....because I know the way I feel is not right.  When it came out of my mouth yesterday in the car,  I'm not sure if it shocked my husband or not.....but, it did me.   And, You know Lord, it embarrassed me.  Just to have my husband hear what I really think about this issue that should have long ago been settled in my heart.  I honestly thought I did settle it.  I kept a part of it back, though, in the file drawer of my mind.  You know, Lord.  The one where I can go at any time ......grab the handle......open the drawer and rustle through the pages until I get to "Past Grievances". Pulling it out and leafing through the pages I saw that I had documented that "HE" definitely was guilty and as I saw it, needed to do some penance. Oh, dear Jesus......help me.  I see as I write, how very much I need You to save me from myself and from what I think......what I do.......and what I say.  I am so filled with regret that I have unnecessarily carried this burden thinking I had really laid it at the foot of the cross.  I thank You for bringing it to me.  And, since I can do nothing about it anyway.....I pray for this to be resolved, once and for all. I will take my file and burn it or better yet.....You take it.  I'll leave it at the cross.  Whatever You decide, Lord....I feel free already.  I believe I am.  Thank You, dear One.


I have prayed and asked direction.....relief from the sin that binds....and strength for tomorrow.  And, Lord.....I ask all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.