"Lord, I want to be.....pleasing to You.....in everything I do.  And, I want to love You more, more than words can say."  Words from the praise song we did on Sunday morning, always seem to touch me.  Of course, then I leave church.  Go out to eat lunch somewhere.  Go home and start peeling off my church clothes as I close the porch door. As I walk by....it's coat on the couch, necklace and earrings on the kitchen table, suit jacket or sweater in my arm as I hit the bedroom.  Almost the same behavior every Sunday.  Occasionally I visit with my husband, but seldom.  When I do, I wonder how he does this all the time without a break.  Lord? That's right, Lord.  I'm teaching a ladies class,  leading the praise team, occasionally exhorting a bit, playing the organ, putting on all the sweet, compliant behavior of a good pastor's wife....and believing it too....most of the time. Really, Lord.  I'm not a fake all the time.  I wake up almost every day wondering what do You want me to do for You, today.  I'm thinking......Your kind answer to me would be....."Get your act together!"  And, that is Your kind answer.  I don't want to think what else You are contemplating saying to me. I have to ask for forgiveness often because I don't actually feel all that I am acting out.  And, of course, that shames me.   I blame it on depression.....age......fatigue.....what else is there besides lazy bones behavior.  I look at what I consider what might be problem areas that I could tackle, without moving too much!  Jeepers, Lord!  Everywhere I look seems to be a problem area.  If it's not here at home.....it's at church.  And, I honestly have tried to bow out of a lot of that.  Very seldom, anymore, am I volunteering with my hand waving excitedly, yelling silently, "Pick me, Pick me!  I can do it!"  I have learned something in nearly 50 years of ministry! 

 So.....where do I turn?  What do I do?  What is the answer that would be what I would consider, heaven sent!  Oh Lord...I should know You by now.  When Your children call and I mean even silently.....perhaps,with just a sniffle......Oh my, dear One......You are so special to me.  I wasn't even sure what I was thinking/praying, yesterday. You know me well.....and that I usually am pretty clear about how I feel.  Usually after I "voice" my feelings, I shutter a bit.....wondering if , "Oh, brother, I'm in for it now!"   But, there You were.  In living color and black and white, loud and clear as a bell gonging.......and You were talking to me through Your vessels. You truly are a lamp unto my feet.....and a light unto my path.   I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that You had heard the cries of my heart thoughts......and You were giving me what I needed on the proverbial "silver platter".    So often, I give up.  I don't wait on You.  I go to my inner self and sort of sulk.  

My God lives.  He awaits our cries.....and our pleas.  I  will continue, as I have always tried to do.....to not falter, in my belief that You care and understand.  That You love and forgive as no other.  Thank You, Father.  I will press on to live for You and pray always, in the name of Jesus.  Amen.