I'm sorry, Lord.  I can't seem to wrap my brain around all that appears to be coming into view.  Many hopes, dreams, plans and derailments are flooding my thinking today.  Often, unwarranted.  And, more often than not......surprise attacks. Whether good or bad.....it still rocks me.  How do I respond?  How do I fix my face?  Actually, a mask might work.....or dark glasses!  I feel like a little kid.....just wishing I could close my eyes and no one could see me.  I thank You, dear One, for the privilege of serving You.  I have moaned and complained forever about being "the Pastor's wife"......yet, never imagined ever being anything but.  In fact, I am almost positive that is what You called me to do with my life. It mostly gives me a great deal of happiness and a sense of satisfaction and I mostly feel honored that You chose me to do this. You chose the man who would be my husband. You fulfilled so many areas of my life that I never even prayed about.  I never even thought about having children......and I had five.....?!#  Is that what You would call being "self-centered"? I suppose I am being a little hard on myself.  Everyone wants to find their way in life.  It embarasses me when I think about that, Lord. (The "self-centered" part.)  Yet, You remain God and remain running the show that is my life.  I am fulfilled in so many ways......and I  give You praise for allowing me to enjoy the gift of music in my life.....and the caregiving that I was allowed to do.  All I could have wanted or dreamed for.  You've given.  And, given some more.  I praise You for being my strength.  My tower of refuge.  

I do have issues though, Lord.  You are very aware, I know.  I sure do complain enough.....too much.  I told my husband last night that the enemy just plays havoc in my mind.  "Well", he says to himself, "If I can just place some doubt here.....and some pride over there.....".   I am tired of being the can that he kicks down the road......NO PUN INTENDED HERE, LORD!   I have just got to start calling out the supreme name of God.....plead the blood of Jesus.....and anything else I have to do to get him away from me.  After my class yesterday at church, I felt completely drained.  You see, satan loves to bring up issues that are "under the blood"......and of course, Lord......YOU  KNOW  THAT  all too well.  I do too.......don't I?  Why does he catch me off guard so much.  Why does he make me question the DECISIONS  I have made in the past.....and makes me "wonder" if I "really forgave",  and if I "really repented 'enough'?"  Lord, I pray and hope and thank You for the fact that You provide answers to me all the time.  If I am looking......hoping......praying?.......for answers.......You provide them.  Thankfully, I was listening.  I heard You.  Loud and clear.  You are a gracious, loving God and I thank You for helping me understand.  Thankfully, for me and You understanding that I need a picture drawn for me......You drew the picture......in words and in indelible ink.  Thank You.  I feel I can breathe again.  Onward and upward I go.....with Your grace, I pray.

And, Lord.....all I write and say to You.....I never mean to be disrespectful.  I just can be so obtuse.  I understand there are times You need to use Your outside voice....inside.
I pray in the name and will of Jesus Christ.  Amen.  P.S.  Lord, forgive me too for using my outside voice to You.....occasionally.  I hate it when John says,  "Why do you have to yell like that?"  "Who, me?"  I say.   YES! YES!  AND, YES!   I must be going deaf.  Yes, thats it.  Thats why I am talking so loud.  Help, Lord.  I need help all the time. Amen, again!