And, I don't mind asking.....what have You found? Anything worth salvaging? The song goes on to say....."You know my way.....even when I fail You......I know You love me." I can be trying hard.....just moving along with my day to day, and I wonder why I said "that"......or "thought that" .....or "did this".
Or , someone just looks at me after I have said something..... (as happened the other day) ......and I am quickly re-checking what just came out of my mouth and wonder if I need to "fix" it. Sometimes, I know I would be better off if I just stayed in the mute mode. Lord, as You know.....and others are soon to find out.......You have Your hands full with my "patched- up" psyche. I do not understand why I am constantly trying to affirm myself to others. I can't seem to get it right. When you find out that your "real self" is itching to get out and you've been playing "Whack 'a' mole" for years with all of the things about your "real self" you don't want to leak out.....it does begin to get tiresome to say the least.
The other day I read a devotion that "Joni and friends" published. Lord, if someone with such a fabulous ministry and significant life experiences to share can suffer the same self-defeating spirit, I need to try and remain hopeful that you can give me the peace I need to stave off the wiles of satan.
She wrote that her body ached.....she was miserable.....the garments that keep her sitting properly in her wheelchair were giving her a great deal of discomfort. Trying to keep her mind in perspective of the long air flight she was on.....the comfort of her assistants and husband , not withstanding, she was just plain annoyed by all of it. No prayers, or in-flight movies, or plans for tomorrow could settle her mind and spirit. Lord.....she said something.....and then, You said something back to her that sounds vaguely familiar. She said something like this to herself......"I don't understand what's wrong with me.....it isn't like me to act like this!" And, You said back to her......."Yes, it is like you......!" I've said that Lord. "It isn't like me to act this way"! And, making fun of the situation, whatever it is, has given me a bit of a pass to act or talk unlike the usual "ME" that I allow others to see. I pray Father, that the times that my resistance is low and the list, unusually long or troublesome........I can insist on the power of the Holy Spirit to sustain me through it all. You know Lord.....something she wrote that resonated with me was the fact that it finally was "getting to her" that the situation she was in was annoying to her because she had NO control over any of it. You did. And, Lord......I really think when we are in that kind of "understanding" with You.....there is nothing to do but accept, accept, accept! We are all in such need of Your lifting us up and holding us a little more often. I go off in all the directions, 50 miles an hour, and find myself along side the road usually in a rut, twenty minutes later. All my great intentions have slammed to a stand still. I'm tired. I'm weary. I have to re-think.
By then the evil one has given me enough pause to stymie me to submission.
Lord, it is time to gather up my senses and find the strength in You to give me the power to do the jobs You need for me to do. Yes, my resolve may be strong but, the drawbacks and potholes in the road to accomplishment often take me totally out of commission. I don't care for that scenario. I know You can choose others to do what You planned for me to do.....and when I falter, You may very well do that.....(I don't know) but , when You have a place for me to fill, I want so badly to do the will of Your plan for me. I can be Your example. I can be Your hands. And, if You have words that need to be heard......Oh, Lord........please, help me to use them wisely.
Give me the power of Your Holy Spirit to fill me. Let me instill the precious sounds of Your comforting words to those that are struggling to hear You.
I bow at the cross, Father. There is no greater love than to know You take our needs and our heartcries and lift then to Your own self.
All of these requests and thoughts are written in Your name. Amen.
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