Earlier in the week, Lord.....I was confronted by this question? Actually.....a question of my own making. I forced myself to go digging into the old prayer journals and find some answers. Lord, I think, that first of all I was amazed at the nauseating and incessant prayers for help, strength, courage, and forebearance over and over and over again. I confirm to You that if I had been in Your place....dealing with my prayers (often the same words, over and over)......I'd have left town! Lord, thank You for abiding with me.....and upholding me in my times of need. Having no other option, You were there for me to lean on, time after time. I got so tired of reading the same thing over again. I thought to myself, Lord....."Good grief.....why don't you get a grip!" But, dear One....You were so kind to me. Lord, You have shown us in Your Word to us that You are our hiding place. That You are the "Strong tower" that we deperately need. You give our faith a "resting place". You speak to the Father on behalf of us.....in words we are incapable of speaking. You allow us only what You are sure we can navigate through!
The actual inquiry to "How did you handle your feelings when this happened?" was so stunning to me that after giving a perfunctory answer, I was surprised by the feelings it brought to the surface. Lord, You and I had this connection that I still marvel at and now, after researching my words to You, I see how gracious You were to me.
I remember feeling at the "end of myself". I remember not being able to function in a manner that could ever make You proud of me. Tears were about the only language I could manage. (And, Lord....I know You are well acquainted with grief and understood me, but, fellow christians.....(?)....well, not so much! As I perused the journals, the devotionals and scriptures I leaned on.....I saw without fail how You comforted me over and over. I also saw that many, many places.....in scripture and devotionals, that You urged, suggested, and commanded that "I wait." How that wearied me. I remember, even now, years later.....not wanting to. Wait? To wait means hold off making a decision. To wait means staying still. To wait means to think. To wait means not asking everybody and his brother what they think. I'm really not very good at it. And...... I found out something quite interesting as I was on the precipice of walking into what I viewed finally as Your answer. Your assurance of being content to wait while a storm was about to be unfurled. Your assurance of being quiet and waiting for Your intervention while all around me was a furious gale. Just waiting. Just being quiet. But, as I read my words......I wasn't quiet. I was crying. Moaning. Groaning. Trying not to blame.....but, it came through loud and clear anyway. And, in all reality, being a pain in the neck for You to deal with. Lord, You were gracious. You listened to my pleas. You saw my hurt and confusion. You understood and came to my rescue and gave me the peace I needed even after I failed to just be quiet and wait.
I want to tell You that reading these journals has helped me see that I have learned a couple of things.....and with You guiding me, I will be patient enough to see how I have grown over time. It still amazes me , Lord. If I could, Lord....let me refresh Your memory! (Actually, Lord....it's my memory that needs refreshing!)
Remember, June 13th in the "Streams in The Desert" devotional? The verse was from John 14:27, "My own peace, I give to You." The devotional was about 2 artists rendering paintings that emphasized their own conception of rest. The first chose a scene of a serene lake nestled against the foothills of a far-off mountain. The second chose to paint a thundering waterfall, with a fragile branch of a birch tree bending over the foam of the spray and at the fork of it sat a robin sitting restfully in it's nest. As soon as I read that Lord, I knew You were in control of our situation. What I didn''t know is that bird in the nest was me.....and the ride was about to be bumpy.....and I should not fear.....because You had it all under control. Needless to say, Lord.....it takes me awhile to learn the lessons You teach. I never was very good at figuring out the parables that You taught. You know I need a picture drawn for me....practically....okay, almost always. Anyway, Lord. Thank You. Thank You for showing me how much You love me.....and how far I have come. I love You, Lord....and I pray all of my prayers and ask all of my needs in the name and will of Jesus. Amen. It's been a blessed week for me. I praise You. And, bless Your name.
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