Today is one of "those" days, Lord.  I really don't feel like talking to You....out loud or in written word.  I am weary.  I am tired.  I wish I could just quit. Yep.  That's how I really feel.   And perhaps, since I have just made myself start to type words onto my computer screen......I know that
 You are exactly who I need to talk to.  Way too often, I let that "feeling" take over.  I really don't think it is depression talking.  I'm thinking that it's the devotional I was reading this morning. 
You know how I love to read Joni Eareckson Tada's daily emailed devotions.  She is a wise one, Lord.  She has so much wisdom and spiritual fervor, I usually feel so nourished when I read her thoughts.  But, today I feel "what is she thinking?", Lord. 
Why is it I feel as if I need to protect You?  It's a foolish thought, I guess......but, I am always trying to make "excuses" about why this or that has happened.....how You have "allowed" it to pass my way.....and nodded Your assurance that I can withstand it.  I often try to assess a situation in someones life very carefully in case they would become disenchanted with You.   According to how Joni feels......You have made a specific decision.  Deliberately.  Somehow, thinking this way, makes me very depressed.  I really have trouble accepting that the sad and vile things that occur are a deliberate determination by You. Do I have to get my list out?  Do I have to go over every thing I can think of and re-think about why it happened, what was the cause and effect, what I learned.......and, so much more..... that it makes me too tired to even "go there".  I thought I had all these issues worked out.  Even about Mom.... and how she laid.....hour after hour, semi-conscious, I suppose, hoping someone.....anyone would find her.  And then, when she was found, the awful condition she was discovered in.....all of her dignity destroyed.  Yes, she was alive and lived for several years after that event.....but, was that to show me what I am made of(?) or my brothers(?) or what?  You know, Lord......I am in a quandary today.  I need an answer.  I need to know if  "what works for another" .....will work for me?  Or, do You have a different way of teaching me ?  I am so befuddled today  I am even thinking I shouldn't post this prayer because people might think I am a basket case.  But, Lord.....how do I discern these questions?  I like to think.....that indeed, You did allow what happened.  Through all of it, You taught me perseverance, patience, grace, a greater love for my Mom, a greater love for You and willingness to share what I have learned.  Do you have another purpose, Lord? 
Thank You, dear One.....for bringing this to me.  I know.  I know......I just was complaining.  Now, I see a little light coming through the fog.  I see , right now, through conversation with someone who loves me......I was ready to delete this prayer......but, I am keeping it "out there" to remind me that the evil one is trying to pummel me today.  I will not allow this....thank You, Lord.....for reminding me that  "YOU'VE   GOT  THIS!"  I am giving You free access to my brain today.  Helmet alert.  I will make sure
that it doesn't get askew again. 
I'm praying all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.