I really think You are testing my patience, Lord.  Are You?  Are You aiming to show me something I need to work on?  I can't find my latest blog post.   The one I just wrote minutes ago.  It disappeared.  Okay, yes!  I was complaining. I know. I know.
I think I told You awhile back that I needed to stop complaining and be accepting of what I cannot change.  Okay.  I accepted that.  I told You that I would  work on my complaining nature.  I guess I did for five minutes.  And, then, the old habit rears its ugly head again.  Okay, yes......I accept that I need work here.  I guess I have to make this into a project.  Every time I feel the need to complain and gripe about something I don't like.....I need to use that opportunity to quickly try to negate that attitude and the words, and the spirit that drives it......plus,  the look of disdain upon my face.  I don't have to look at it in the mirror......I can feel it.  Oh, yeah!  I am doing well here.  In the previous post, (the one that disappeared), maybe You were trying to save me from totally embarrassing myself in front of my readers.  I must have sounded pretty righteous.  Lord, I do wonder what good You see in me.  I just hope that You can always forgive the ineffective (the "I'm right and you know it") nature that sometimes just trickles out of me, unwittingly.  Uh......I think it's unwittingly!  Maybe not.  Anyway, It appears that I am in a constant need to ask forgiveness and wanting You to show me a better way.  I do need You, Father.  I know that when I feel "I am getting a little better control of my behavior"......I begin to tout spiritual platitudes and almost bragging of the work You have done in my life.  I wish I could reach a happy medium.  Or, Lord.....is this what You need to do to force me to examine and re-examine Your insistence that to be a warrior for You......I have to keep my heart right.  I hate that part of me that tends to "act righteous".  Is there a place for it at all in the life of a dedicated child of Yours?  It seems to spawn such unlovely behavior.  Is there a happy medium for us, Lord? 
My desire and hope is to continue in my quest for the hope that I will do "My Utmost for Your Highest".  And, very honestly, I know I don't.  I'm too tired to work at being nice all the time.  Sometimes I would like to say what I really think.  Sometimes, I think You need to pull a "Zacharias" on me......until, I promise to behave myself.
Lord, as You can see......I understand why that post disappeared now!  That will now and always be a "draft"......to view as "for Your eyes only". 
"I  want to live the way, You want me to live.....I want to give until there's just no more to give.....I want to love, love.....'til there's just no more love.  I could never, never outlove the Lord."  This is what the song says.  I'm not sure I want to do all this......or even feel like it......but, I do know this.  If  THIS  is what You expect of us as Your children.....then, I know I can......and ask You to help me want to.  And, please, give me the desire to.  Right now, I'm just too tired.  I thought I was righteous.....and now,  I'm all depressed because I found out I'm not!  
  Is this what Peter felt like when he proclaimed his great and abiding love for You, over and over......then, completely wiped out his whole belief system when asked if he was Your follower?  I can only imagine, dear One, how awful he must have felt. 
This is why, Oh Lord......I need You every hour.  Give me Your strength so I can be sustained.
I pray this and every prayer in the name of Jesus.  Amen.