WHAT WAS THAT LOOK FOR?

It is amazing to me Lord how You love me. It's not that I do anything outright that
might displease You...I truly try to make a conscious effort not to; but You love me
right where I am. The thoughts that flood my mind...the needs I anticipate someone
might have (and they don't)...the past failures that plague me...the sorrows that
have driven me to distraction (almost to the end of myself)...all of this drama, and
You still call me Your beloved child. I rely on that, Lord. I don't ever want to
take it for granted. I give You permission to stop me in my tracks if I ever do! The
past few days I've wondered about how my life will be seen when I am gone. You Lord,
were without any doubt in the mind and heart of a christian, the icon of virtue that
each of us should strive to be....( and I know with our imperfections, it's not possible)....
and You, regrettably, were and still are, spoken of by many, with disdain. I remember telling someone at a funeral dinner, that .... "Yes, I want a viewing. I want everyone
to walk by me and wish they'd treated me better!" I remember the woman I said this
to looking at me and not quite knowing what to say. I'm not sure how I feel now, Lord. That was quite a while ago. And, I sort of said it to "get a laugh"....yet,
I think I meant it then. I hope I've grown a little since. Lord, I have worried
almost incessantly how I am percieved....viewed by others, etcettera. I remember
reading Joyce Meyer's book "APPROVAL ADDICTION"....or something like that...Lord, I
really thought that after I read that book, I'd have a handle on the things that
plague me. I'm not sure I learned a thing from it....but, I do know that I worry less about the people around me and think about You and what You are thinking. I
often wonder if You're smiling....or shaking Your head and looking down at your feet.
I usually know what that look means. I see Your face Lord, and believe that striving
to be the instrument You need me to be can be accomplished if I keep my eyes on You
and stop looking for "someone to approve of me". I want to see You Lord in the eye of my
mind, more and more and more. That keeps me grounded. That takes my eyes off of people
and how I think they percieve me. You. You are God. And You are all I'm living for. I say
again and again, that the words I write and speak to You are all said in the name of Jesus.
And, again I say, Amen!