Why is it......why can't I think....unless I make myself sit down and write? It's so odd, Lord. It never seems to keep me from sitting down any other time! Does it? Is it because I have to become quiet before You?
Is it because.....any other time, You can't get a word in edgewise? That bothers me a little. You should always have access to my heart and thoughts. (Feel free to interrupt anytime, Lord!) Even as I age and seem to grow less active , my mind swirls and churns as furious as it always has.
So much has happened. So much has been prayed for and answered. Almost to the point of , "Wow, Lord! I didn't expect that answer so soon!" It's exciting and scary at the same time. There are times in past prayers where I moaned and groaned about wa-i-t-i-n-g forever for an answer from you......and not quite receiving the answer I'd hoped for. And, then.....like never.......! Of course, Lord.....I do know....(on my sane days)......no answer is an answer. Eventually I see how wise You are in being in the driver's seat of my life. Still, after all these years of writing you my angst and yearnings.....I know that placing my need for the resolving of any of my anxieties in Your hands is the one thing I can do that gives me peace.
I have written so much about my mother, lately. I know there are days the devil delights in bringing up issue after issue that plagued me when I was a girl and on into womanhood about my relationship with mom. I have resolved those issues over and over and shook my invisible list at the enemy knowing you have it all at the bottom of the sea......yet still he taunts and scoffs at my efforts to be free.
Today, I celebrate with my daughter and her family at the graduation of her daughter. Unbelievably, she has blossomed into this marvelous young woman headed to a big city college and we're happy and delighted to see her go...sort of. There are a lot of "But's and And's.....along with "How is this possible?" and "When did she grow up? But, Lord.....as I see her ready herself for this new adventure.....I remember so vividly when she was born and had been brought home to her tiny little room her new mommy and daddy and I had created. The season's worst snowstorm and a pretty chilly apartment were all part of the excitement. But, nothing prepared me for the wee hours of the morning when my husband called and told me my mother was in the process of dying in the Rehab Hospital she had been in for several years. I looked down at this tiny bundle I had just fed so her mother could rest and recuperate.....and thought......"What do I do?" I hate to even write it out loud, Lord. I don't think anyone could really understand my heart and desire to be two places at once. I remember, thinking this as my husband and I talked, Lord. I had spent five years attending to the needs of my mom as efficiently as I knew how to do. I prayed desperately for all of that time to be all she needed me to be. I realized that I had done all I could do for her. She was safe.......well cared for.....and on her way to You, Lord. I knew she would be alright. And, so.....I made the decision to stay with my daughter and her precious new little one....and to take care of her. Somehow, I felt that it was where I should be. Also, there was quite a bit of distance to go.....and I knew my dear son-in-law would take me even with the treacherous roads.....but, I didn't regret the decision then. And, I don't regret it now.....it's just that, on occasion, I remember making that decision and question myself over again. Lord, those moments in time where a decision can follow you forever are moments that are best layed at the foot of the cross. I did what I felt was right for my daughter. Until then, all of my energy was taken up with the concerns of my mother's care, health and well-being. When I look at my granddaughter now and see the energy and hope for the future that she exudes, I am so proud of the young woman she has become. She will glow and grow. She will remember the truths of the scripture that have been taught to her as a guide for her to follow. I pray, Father.....that You will give her the wisdom and tenacity to follow the desires of her heart and the plan you have laid out for her. I know You need her in the battle we fight each day. Make her strong and resilient to the wiles of the evil one.
You , Oh Lord.....are the only source of strength and reserve we have. Help me to remember it always. To never give up.....to run the race with the perseverance that Paul did. I want to be that example for as long as You allow me the breath to do so.
For the needs we have.....for the desires of our hearts.....for the things we don't need and just want.....Lord, forgive us for being such a needy lot.....but , grant us Your favor. One more time.
I speak all in the name and will of Jesus Christ. Amen.
I love you, Corrine! Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability today. I pray it speaks to others as you write. This is therapy for the soul, as well as help for others too.
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