I get so sick of it, Lord!   Every time I try to prepare my mind to write.....I panic.  It's so stupid.  I have always come to You wide open, candid and ready to say just about anything to You.  I start this blog......and, my brain turns to mush.  It more than likely has to do with my "Public Persona".....and that irks me.  I need to continue to be as transparent as I always have been.  Years ago when I began writing to You, I had very little trouble at all.  I had toddlers, two then, and pregnant with a third.  I spent my days as most mom's do.  Trying to "get through" the day with some semblance of order and what remained of my sanity.  Dear Lord?  Have I managed to succeed?  (I mean, the sanity part! We added a couple more children to that mix.)  Some days I still wonder.  I do remember though, when I would write my fears, concerns, and troubles for the day......how I felt, what I wanted You to do for me, and the energy to do it......I remember, when I finished the letter.....I'd burn it or thrust it into the insides of the trash can where it could never be deciphered.  I was ashamed, Father.  I was ashamed that if anyone would read my thoughts, I would be run out of town!  You know, Lord......I threw away so much.....just because I was fearful if my husband knew my thoughts, he would question if I was really who he thought I was!  Finally, I guess in my late thirties, I began to not be so concerned that someone would read my inner angst.  My only concern was that You were listening (or reading!).....and, that You still were concerned and loved me.  The fact that You forgave me over and over for my lack of spiritual-ness.....or my incessant and insolent dialog with You.  I know, without a single doubt, You saved my life.  You lifted me and held me close when I needed to be nurtured and forgiven.  Thank You , dear One.  Thank You for allowing so many incidents.....where I was SURE You had forgotten the talents I could offer.....work I could do to "prove myself" to our church.......thank You, Lord......for allowing me the time to raise our children to behave properly in the church.  I did.  I knew it was my job to do so.  It surely was hard at times.  I remember more than once after arriving home.....fixing our lunch......I wondered why I had even gone.  I spent more time outside than inside.  I was embarrassed "they weren't getting it". 
For the days ahead of me now, I hope and pray for Your word to continue to guide me into all of the truth You have for me to know.  The things that YOU feel I need to work on or change completely.  It is my desire to be like You, Lord.  I don't want to fail in my effort to ensure my entrance into the Gate.  As I mentioned to my class on Sunday.....I found myself comparing satan and his imps to the gnats that appear out nowhere in a house that is pretty much closed up to the elements.  He continually watches our comings and goings to find a place where he can slip into our being.  I ask, dear Lord, again, to protect my mind when I sleep....and to allow Your Holy Spirit, to provide wisdom and strength for the duties You need me to fulfill.  "I need Thee, every hour.....ev'ry hour I need.  O bless me, thou my Savior, I come to Thee." 
In all I speak of......in all I ask for.....I will never fail to use the name of Jesus to ensure that Your will would be done in my life.  Amen.