RE-THINK:"The Joy of the Lord is MY STRENGTH"

I have found myself struggling this week, Lord. I wish I could talk to You face to face. Sometimes, I feel that I am. Other times I am reaching out and never quite touching Your face. I do that more than I even realized. I found myself doing that the other day to a complete stranger. One of those kiosks in the middle of the mall where they watch you coming and try to stop you to buy their products.....you try to keep walking and continue with a smile and a "No,
thank you!" and their next words are... " Could I ask you a question?" to which I touched her face and said "No! No! Thank you!" all the while I was moving.....I thought I was being kind, Lord. They annoy me so but I don't want to appear unkind.....Lord, sometimes I really wonder,
what do you expect of me? Are You wanting more of me than I feel I have to give? The truth is,
I want to please You. I think You know that. But, I wonder if pressed.....as I stated in the previous scenario....is it just the areas I can control? The issues we are
confronted with day after day....often are mind and heart stealers. They take me away from what You would like me to concentrate on. More of Your Word. More one on one time with You. More "Go ye into all of the world..." and seeing who needs my help. Most of the time I have my head down on purpose. I don't want to see who needs me. I don't want to try to
understand why You have allowed me to "walk this way"! Telling You what I don't want to do
only tells You and anyone peeking in on this conversation that I truly am a loser....bound for
the Outer Banks....and I am not talking North Carolina. Of course, I don't want to mean what
I am saying. It has to be the depression talking. Did I take my pill last night? Oh, Lord....You surely have Your hands full with me. I am sorry for being such a pain. I'd like to turn over a
new leaf.....if I had the strength. I'd like to show You how I can be an obedient instrument for
You....if I had the strength. Hmmm.....the scripture says, " The joy of the Lord is my strength".
I have tried that before. Just singing those words over and over while I was washing the dishes
was exciting. I remember it well. I was looking out of the kitchen window....I could see the side of the church from that window.....and probably the kids behind me somewhere playing....my
head, hands and feet just aching from the days chores....and there it was. The strength. Just
as You had promised. I wonder why I remember that. It has been like 35 years ago.....and I
just thought of it. It has to be because IT IS SIGNIFIGANT! It has to be because You mean
what You say. You don't have any reason to lie to us. You give us power in our weaknesses.
Over and over I have counted on that. And so.....I will again. I've talked myself right into it
again. I will look for the moments You need me to speak for You. And, of course, that means
keeping my head up and looking at people in the eyes. (Why? Why is that so hard for me?)
Hmmm.....we'll discuss that another time, Lord. But, I thank You today for showing me that I
often try (too often) to make something work or happen. And, if You are not advocating it....
I wonder why I even bother. I know when You're running the show. Things come out of my
mouth that I didn't even know that I knew. And, when that happens....I KNOW that You are
leading the orchestra. I will Lord....I promise. I will prepare my heart and try to ready my
spirit for the next time You decide You need me. I'd like to NOT fail. I'd like to atleast try.
Thank You for allowing me to reach out and touch Your face today.....I need for You to know
that my days are not right when I don't take the time to do that. Nudge me. Make me
uncomfortable in my spirit. When You do that.....I always know it's You.
I ask all of this in the name of Jesus.....amen.