Sometimes I wonder why I do this, Lord. I don't mean the "praying" part.....I mean the "writing
the prayer out-loud part". Is it because I want someone to think I'm a great writer and "this
could really help someone" or is it " another way to get noticed" or what? What is it? I don't know. The way I feel most of the time, I should probably keep it all to myself. It's almost like borrowing trouble! I do know that I mostly feel better when I tell You my heart thoughts. If I write in my black and white composition book or I
write on the blogsite and no matter if it is "outloud" or not, I know that You are the One that makes the difference for me. I do feel that telling You the angst in my heart, whether stress
related or the depression speaking....I know that You care. And, if I really need You to lift the
burden, You will. I am blessed. I know it. I breathe in the blessings and appreciate Your kindness in allowing us such wonderful freedom. I, way too often, breed my own depression by
borrowing problems from tomorrow to try to fix today. I know that is not what You want us to do. I worry about the fact that I spend too much time entombed in my own house. I rarely go
outside the doors. Sometimes I worry about that. I fear "someone seeing me in my own yard".
Lord, I know from the outside looking in, white coats could be in my future. But, I tell You that
I depend on You to help me help anyone that needs me today. I often wonder how I can be an
instrument for You when I b asically go nowhere. (I really have quit the shopping thing....it gets
me in too much trouble.) Soooo.....then, I wonder....."How can I be an example for You....or shine the light of Your salvation on anyone when I am sequestered." Lord, when I was answering
questions for the nurse today at the Doctor's office....I found myself giving a fairly religious answer. I think she asked how I deal with the stress areas of our job....and I answered that I
take most of it to prayer.....basically bagging it all....mine and everyone else's and dragging it to
the foot of the cross and leaving it there for You to deal with. Lord, I'm not sure....but, I think
she might have written on my chart that I was crazy for sure....and there was not a speck of hope for me! I do remember that she changed the subject really quickly and we moved on to
"Are there any heart related issues in your history?" If these are the areas that I can still be an ambassador for You....then, I will be content to keep on keeping on and not worry about being
a homebody. It really is where I am most comfortable. Do I ever make sense to You? I do
know that I always feel normal when I am writing to You. It is a solace for me that nothing else
is. It is such a relief to tell You the places where I feel weak. It is a relief to leave the worries
I have in Your hands. When You take my insecurities, my need for approval, my concerns for
our future and place them at Your feet....then I can breathe. Tomorrow will have enough trouble of it's own and I will hand over my concerns then. Until then......You know I need You.
Grant me the grace I need today. Any favor that is available for me.....I'll take too. In all.....I
pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.
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