Sorry, Lord.....I really am.....sorry. I have avoided You this week. I haven't felt much like talking.
And, then.....after I go through a week....I am depleted and empty. No matter what I read. No matter who I see. No matter who I have to go talk to ......there seems to be nothing special that speaks to me......nothing. I look into Your wise words and they seem to bounce off the wall like a ball that has no air in it that just drops to the floor. I am sick inside. I know, Lord. It's the way life is at times. I have thought so much about mom's this week. Friends from church have stood by the bedside of their wife and mother this week. They watched her stand on the edge of the Jordan just dipping her toe in the water....(she's afraid of the water, Lord, but You know that) wondering if she should go ahead and go. Her health has been tenuous for so long. She has fought to live. I am numb. Another mother; a missionary and warrior for you... left this world to see all she has waiting for her in heaven. My friend; and her daughter.... buried her yesterday. Another friend is doing all she can to show her daughter how much she loves her even when the choices made are not wise ones. I have not one word of profound advice to give her. (Thank You Lord....for showing me the importance of keeping my mouth shut.) Lord....the silent tears are the ones that speak a special language to You. They are a dialect only You know. I have another friend who is watching her mother try desperately to hang onto her health and her pride. You know, Lord.....I know that I am going to be in that place some day. I'm going to be trying to hold tight to my little possessions and my dignity and wondering if anyone notices that I'm too old to be trusted to do anything alone. I know the days ahead may be filled with sorrow.....and then maybe not so much...You do know what I can handle. But Lord....how do I face what is coming? The power of the unknown wears me out. So, I am thinking that satan jumps all over that and pours it on. I love knowing that You are always lifting me out of that familiar pit. I'm not sure I fall into it on purpose or not. I am grateful though that You continue to stop what You are doing and come to rescue me. I am so very thankful that I can call on You and You do give me guidance. I guess what bothers me is that I tend to "hole" myself up and peruse the obituaries. Please Lord, give me a reprieve. Show me how to keep from moving into sorrow and worry of what is ahead. Help me to concentrate on the power of Your words. Scripture is an awesome tool....but , the devil knows scripture too and used it on You Lord. Of course, You knew how to handle him. With Your power and strength there for the asking.....I can call on You to save me. The part that gets me into trouble though, Lord....is the part where I don't feel like talking. And, yet You acknowlege our groanings and utterances that are unknown even to our own selves. Lord....I need that. The Shove. Remember that, Lord? I can take it from You. I think.
I'm gonna' do better. I promise. Okay, now that I have gotten that out of my system, I feel better.
Lord....all I have asked and given over to Your will, I ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.
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