Forgiving me....Again.

Lord, all I can do is be honest. You know me. I can procrastinate forever on taking
the initiative to do what I know I should. Even knowing I have people peeking in on
our conversations....I still find something else to do. Like laying on the couch. Is
that pathetic or what? I know I always find my strength in you. I am always ...well,
nearly always, inspired by what you have shown me throughout a week as I go through
my days. Sometimes you point stuff out to me I'm not interested in changing...or
putting my effort into...or just plain doing. It's the "doing" thing I have trouble
with. And, Lord....I think that is why you put those things in front of me. Sometimes
I just want to be alone. Be quiet. Do what I want to. From past experience Lord, I
realize that you are trying to protect me from myself. That inner nature of mine that
wants to crawl in a hole and cover myself up is the depression that I have dealt with
forever. That part of me you have put up with for years is something I never seem to
get over. I know it's that part that plagues me spiritually because it puts me into
a stagnant state that brings no glory to you....and bleeds me dry, so I am no good
to you and those who depend on me to be "spiritual". Lord, you saw me being formed in
my Mother's womb. You knew that as I grew into womanhood I would perhaps deal with an
issue that is such a stigma in the world today. I do what I feel is right for me now.
Most of the time....except for this week. I haven't felt much like praying. I have
felt somewhat stymied in my spirit. I couldn't blame it on a headache. I couldn't
blame it on "too much too do". I just didn't feel like it. Brother, is that a slap
at you....with all You allow me to have....the blessings I enjoy....the love that is
in my life. I feel like such a disappointment to You.
I ask Father, that in Your gentleness and lovingkindness, You will nudge me until I
am so completely uncomfortable in myself-ness that I will run to You and cry out the
thoughts of my heart. Only You understand. Only You really love. Only You can really save me from myself. Thank You again for forgiving me. In Jesus name, Amen.